Telling his Siblings
I remember being so concerned about explaining DJ’s special needs to his siblings. I felt like his older sister, Delsie, already knew. I just love their love. She was always kind to him and helped him with everything. Delsie was DJ’s protector and she wanted him to feel safe. Delsie, without being asked, took on the responsibility of making sure DJ’s best interests were met. So, I don’t remember having a sit-down, full blown conversation with Delsie. She just knew and was aware of the therapy sessions; the school he attended; and all the meetings I attended for him. Delsie just knew.
It was DJ’s younger brother by 4 years, Karie, that needed – and still needs – talks and reminders about DJ. It is difficult for Karie to understand that there are some things that DJ just can’t do. When they were smaller, I chose to potty train both DJ and Karie at the same time. DJ was about 5 or 6 years old and wearing Pull-Ups. The dual potty training wasn’t unusual as DJ and Karie have done everything together. When Karie was 7 years old, I sat him down and said, “DJ has special needs.” We talked about how DJ is nonverbal and that he would need extra help. Kari had questions and we talked our way through it. Now, at 10 years old, Karie asks, “Why can’t DJ wash the dishes?”; or “Why can’t DJ make his own stuff?” Although DJ should be able to do some of those things, I just don’t trust him to do certain things yet.
Karie sometimes says, “Mom, I feel like I am the older brother not DJ.” I believe Karie’s feelings are valid because he, in some ways, has taken on the role of “little big brother.” But I still tell Karie, “No. DJ is still your older brother.” Karie has a different type of relationship with DJ. Karie loves DJ and won’t let anyone talk about his big brother. They boys wrestle and play like any other brothers. But, every now and again, I hear and see the weight of being the “little big brother” on Karie’s shoulders.
My 4-year old, Paige, doesn’t quite understand what “special needs” means. DJ loves Paige beyond words and playfully blames anything and everything that goes wrong on Paige. She thinks DJ is her personal playdate. Paige things its cool that they run around the house and play video games together. DJ treats Paige like she’s the typical annoying little sister. He pushes her and laughs at her silliness but, every night, DJ goes to Paige’s room to give her good night kisses . . . which Paige hates. I am not certain at what point I will have the “conversation” with Paige or, if we will ever have it because maybe, like her big sister, Paige will get DJ without any explanation being necessary. Only time will tell.
Every child is different and can, on their own, understand the special needs of others. Those children just innately jump in and do whatever is needed to protect, nurture and love. I am pretty lucky that my children love each other and take care of one another. Yes, they fuss and yell but, there is a whole lot of laughter in our home too.